In Dr. Gregory Benford’s novel The Stars in Shroud, an exhausted Ling takes a break from his busy schedule to try “yet another cult.” He still has no answer to the Quarm plague, that debilitating psychological disorder which causes its victims to withdraw from society. Even though he is one of the few to have suffered its effects and emerged from his isolation to become a productive member of society again, he is not whole. It has been so long since he has felt fulfilled. His precious discipline of Sabal, which kept him in harmony with those around him and at peace with himself, is no longer available to him. He drifts from day to day, lost in work, in sensation, and any comfort he can find on this strange planet of Veden that he has been sent to. He does his best to ignore the fact that he is no closer to discovering the solution to the plague than he is to discovering a means of banishing the terrible emptiness that gnaws away at his inner being.
Really, he is just…lost. But he allows his friend and assistant Majumbdahr to take him to the Lengen compound at the edge of the dark, forbidding jungle.
After being welcomed by a man in cheap robes, Ling walks past poor farmers, across a clearing beaten clean by foot traffic, and into a tent divided into a maze of rooms. In one such room, he, Majumbdahr, and other pilgrims sit lotus fashion. Then a man enters clad in green robes: Ling can see nothing of the man’s face; only his eyes and mouth emerge from the hood, and these are cast in shadow. The Lengen Master orders the ritual to commence. Food is mixed with ceremony and precision. Ling relaxes in the rhythm of the service, the comforting odors, even the feel of the napkins. As Dr. Benford writes:
“Within a breadth of time I focused on the exercises. My mind stilled. I did not think of how surprising this was, of how my present state resembled something I had known in the past, but only achieved then by months of contemplation. I didn’t consider any of these things. I simply was.”
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| "I stand where the Wesley brothers once stood. And Prayed. And Preached. And..." |
On my recent trip to England, I came across this plaque as I walked away from Hercule Poirot’s apartment in Whitehaven Mansions. In a country that celebrates so much history, it is hardly remarkable to find plaques denoting that a statesman once lived in this house, that a writer or poet once frequented this tea room or pub, or that two influential religious leaders such as the Wesley brothers once visited a particular church. Nevertheless, seeing this plague brought a smile to my face.
I grew up in the Nazarene denomination. The sermons preached each Sunday owed much to John Wesley’s original teachings. His brother Charles penned many of the hymns we sang. Even if, at a certain point in my life, I found I could no longer find my spiritual center in that denomination and style of worship, I still look back on my spiritual heritage with fondness. Seeing proof that John and Charles Wesley are still remembered and revered makes me glad. Those whose efforts bring us in harmony with others, and at peace with ourselves, should never be forgotten.
When Ling’s former source of inspiration and fulfillment stopped working for him, he drifted in isolation for a time. But he kept searching, and eventually found a new guru: the Lengen Master. When the Nazarene Church stopped working for me, I felt just as empty as Ling. Yet friends and loved ones encouraged me to seek another source of inspiration, which I eventually found in the Anglican Church. Perhaps the void you seek to fill is not spiritual. Maybe the job you once loved has become meaningless work. Perhaps the types of art or entertainment you once adored now seem juvenile. Whatever. That which once served as a source of joy now leaves you feeling empty. Such a loss is hard to endure. Unaddressed, the void grows inside like a cancer, consuming you, telling you that life can no longer offer you any purpose or meaning.
If you feel lost, that you are just drifting through life, I hope you find what you need to provide your life with new direction. Even if it seems the opposite of that which once fulfilled you. For everyday we grow, change, and adapt to new circumstances. Such maturation means that our needs likewise evolve. Like the planet Veden, this world provides infinite possibilities for inspiration and fulfillment. What you need may not be easily identifiable, but it is out there. It must be!
Oh, and one last piece of advice. Once you find a new source of joy, don’t regret the time and energies invested in your former source of fulfillment. For it is still a part of who you are. It led you to this place. Even though it no longer serves as your primary source of inspiration, it still shapes and influences you.
Every facet of your past adds to the rich makeup of your unique identity, and makes you special.
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