Daleks Investigate Custard And Twinkies

Humans may be inferior beings, but they like to experiment, just like us Daleks. Consider the Mistress. As Master likes his egg white omelets for breakfast, she saved up the yolks and put seven in a pot. To these she added four cups of low fat milk and 1.25 cups of sugar, then simmered it over a double boiler. Her efforts aroused my curiosity (another trait humans share with Daleks), so I decided to observe her efforts.

Humans may have a few notable strengths, but one thing they lack is endurance. Over the next hour, Mistress and Master continually traded off, one taking over the stirring duties when the other needed a break. I could have assisted them, but I must maintain my power reserves, in case they need me to Exterminate someone.

Exterminate! Exterminate! Daleks love Exterminating!

After an hour of constant stirring, the mixture had thickened, and the humans left it to cool while they ate their dinner. Half-an-hour later they returned, and extracted two Hostess Twinkies from the pantry.

The Halloween Cupcakes, with the scary orange filling!

They poured 1/3 cup of the mixture into the bowls, and declared the Twinkies sufficiently custardized. 

Then they squirted whipped cream on top!

Intent on completing my investigation, I snuck into the dining room, and heard their oohing and aaahing, and how glad they were that they had discovered boiled custard and sponge cake on their trips to England. To my calculations, 1/3 cup of boiled custard equals 185 calories, far more than 1/3 cup of ice cream, their usual evening favorite. Given their adherence to their diet, why should Master & Mistress labor so hard and so long, to consume a higher-calorie dessert? 

A complete understanding of my humans is essential if I am to dominate them. I must investigate this matter further. I shall be tireless and brave. I will not stop until I have discovered why my humans like this new dessert so much. But then, that's why they call me...

The Dalek with the Golden Gun

The Dalek Twinkie Challenge

Spider-Dalek: Okay, I'm here. Why have I been summoned?
Artist: You're here to declare that the best Twinkies have blue filling.
Rusty: How dare you put words in his mouth! The best Twinkies are clearly red inside.
Spider-Dalek: So this is what all the fuss is about?
Denim: It's an important determination. After all, part of my job is to assist Pocket in putting together meals and desserts for Master and Mistress. While I'm completely unbiased, it seems to me that the superior Twinkie must have blue filling.
Captain Scarlet: As I'm the only commissioned officer currently serving in the Dalek military, I order you all to accept that the best Twinkies are red inside! Red! Red! Red!
Rex: Blue! Blue! Blue!
Spider-Dalek: Oh, very well. As I have a stake in both arguments, I suppose I should serve as a mediator in this dispute. Pinky, as you're our gentlest, classiest Dalek, perhaps you could state your side's position.

Pinky: Thanks for the complement, dear. Our position is simple. Our Twinkies have a mild and gentle flavor that remind one of the original Twinkie, yet have a flavor all their own. And let's face it: many people don't like the more tart varieties of berries, but everyone likes strawberries.
Red: Yeah, right! And I must add, after a long, hard afternoon assembling Lego kits, strawberries make the perfect afternoon treat.
Spider-Dalek: Well stated, Pinky. And yes, Red, thank you for that too. Blueberry, as you're named after an actual berry, perhaps you should summarize your colleagues' position.

Blueberry: Ah, ahem, thank you for asking my opinion. I must say that you've always struck me as a very astute Dalek. While I would agree with our dear Pinky that the Blue Raspberry filling has a stronger flavor, I must point out that even strawberries can be tart if they're picked too soon. This blue flavor is in no way tart or disagreeable. If anything, it's more of a good thing in each bite.
Blue: Yeah, rock on, Blueberry!
Spider-Dalek: Yes, well…as I found both positions persuasive, I suppose I must now take on the solemn duties of a judge, and examine each side's evidence.

Spider-Dalek: The blue and pink fillings both look and smell wonderful. I think I'll have to sample both, so I can rule on the flavor of each. Hmm. It could take some time for me to reach a determination. It's possible I may even need to taste both halves of each Twinkie.
Blueberry: Uh, excuse me, did you say both halves of each Twinkie?
Pinky: Don't you think that's going a bit far, dear?
Spider-Dalek: Well, you do want me to make an informed decision, and such such important matters should never be rushed, or investigated by half-measures.

Pocket: Hmm, aside from a few cake crumbs, there's no sign of whatever stirred up such a ruckus earlier. Whatever it was, it couldn't have been that important, certainly not in comparison with what Master & Mistress just brought home. I'm looking forward to tasting these new chocolate-covered Twinkies. I'll bet they're the best Twinkies ever!

Spider-Dalek, Pocket, and the red and blue Twinkie-loving Daleks

Daleks & the Judgment of Solomon

Salt: You're sure Master and Mistress won't mind?
Pepper: I didn't say that.  I just said they wouldn't miss an extra cupcake.  Now, if you're having second thoughts....
Salt: My guilt circuits are pulsing, but my olfactory sensors are overwhelmed with the moist, chocolatey aroma of a Hostess cupcake. We'd better open the package before I change my mind.

Salt: Wow, the aroma is so powerful I can barely keep upright!
Pepper: I agree, we'd better start consuming this before...oh, hello, Master!
Salt: Yes, greetings, great and mighty one.  In an effort to better serve you, we thought we'd anticipate your cravings.
Pepper: Yes, right.  We know how much you love Hostess cupcakes. Wait, no, we didn't mean to...please, please don't!  Mercy!  Mercy!

Pepper: Phew.  Ah, yes, I see.  A wise choice, if I may say so, Master. This way you can enjoy your cupcake now, and save some for later.
Salt: Haven't I always said Master was wise?
Pepper: And merciful.  Supremely merciful.

Pepper: What?  You mean, these are for us?  
Salt: Truly, a judgment worthy of Solomon.

Salt & Pepper Dalek

How Spider-Man Inspired The Daleks

Rex: I think you need to turn another page, sir.
Supreme Dalek: Hold on a minute.  First, I want to read this story about Spider-Man.
Rex: But I've got to find out what happens to Red Sonja!  She was just...ooh, Boxing!

Rex: Say, the Champ reminds me of Robert E. Howard.
Supreme Dalek: I know I'm going to regret asking this, but why?
Rex: Well, he loved Boxing, didn't he?  Wasn't he an amateur boxer?  
Supreme Dalek: I gather he enjoyed the sport, and incorporated it into his fitness regime.  

Rex: Uh, excuse me, sir, but didn't Robert E. Howard also write stories about Boxing?
Supreme Dalek: Yes, I believe he wrote more stories about Boxing than about Conan, King Kull, and Red Sonja combined.  Now, can we get back to "Spider-Man and the Champ?"
Rex: Sorry, sir.

Rex: Speaking of Boxing, Michael Palin mentions in his Diaries 1969-1979: The Python Years that "Jabberwocky," the film he made with Terry Gilliam, actually out-performed "Rocky" in Spanish cinemas in 1979.
Supreme Dalek: Okay, I get the Robert E. Howard reference, as Roy Thomas' portrayal of Red Sonja was inspired by a character in one of Howard's historical stories, but how is Michael Palin relevant to what we're reading?

Rex: Oh, I just thought it was a cool fact.  I mean, we're talking about one of the most beloved and important Boxing movies of all time, versus....  I mean, it is interesting, right?

Supreme Dalek: All right, way to go, Spidey!  
Rex: I agree, sir.  The story had engaging characters, a short but well-orchestrated plot, and--
Supreme Dalek: Would you stop trying to impress me?  It's getting on my nerves!
Rex: Uh...right, sir.  Sorry, sir.
Supreme Dalek: Yes, well...you want to find out what happens to Red Sonja, don't you?
Rex: Yes, please.

Rex: Wait!
Supreme Dalek: What now?
Rex: I just had a brilliant idea!

Rex: There's only three left.  You don't think Master and Mistress would miss one, do you?
Supreme Dalek: Not a chance.  

Rex & Supreme Dalek

Related Internet Links
To learn what happens to Red Sonja in Issue #2, check out the summary at Marvel Wikia.

Reunited At Last!

"Reunited and it feels so good,

Reunited with some great junk food,

There's one perfect fit

And baby, Hostess Twinkies are it,

Now I'm stuffed 'cause I ate the whole box, 

yeah, yeah..."

(Original Lyrics by Peaches and Herb

--Dino Ferakis & Freddie Perrin)

Okay, nearly the whole box.

Dragon Dave

Related Dragon Cache entries
Spider-Man's Twinkies

Spider-Man's Twinkies

If you're like me, you can't wait for Hostess products to reappear in the supermarkets.  Advertisements like this in old issues of Marvel Comics only make the waiting worse.

Hostess' absence from the marketplace has allowed competitors to fill the shelves with their own knock-off versions.  Suddenly, everyone's got their own version of Hostess' classics like their cupcakes and twinkies.  But no one's marketed a knock-off on my personal favorite snack cakes: Zingers.  So I look forward to late July, when according to executive vice-president Michael Cramer, all the classic snack brands will start reappearing.  "Everything will be as delicious and fattening as it always was," he promises.

Thanks, Mike, I'll be holding you to your promises.  'Cause I need Zingers to fuel all my pursuits, just like Spider-Man needs his Twinkies to fight crime in New York City.    

Dragon Dave

Related Internet Links
Twinkies (the real ones) back on store shelves in July

Marvel Superheroes Need Hostess Desserts

Since my discovery that I could secure the missing issues in my comic book collection for as little as $1 an issue, I’ve been having a blast, visiting comic book stores, perusing the shelves, and of course, reading some terrific stories!  “Conan The Barbarian” #68 featured not just the title hero, but his pirate-love Belit, red-haired fellow adventurer Red Sonja, and in a remarkable twist, Robert E. Howard’s first barbarian hero, King Kull.  At first, Kull’s inclusion seems an impossible feat, as he lived thousands of years before Conan.  But trust the mighty Marvel to find a way to unite such a barbarian dream team!  In “Conan The Barbarian” #96, Conan stalks the forest with a lion who fights by his side, as he seeks to rescue Belit from a villainous king.  And in “Star Wars” #17, I traveled back to Tatooine to watch Luke Skywalker shoot wamp rats from his landspeeder, before he competes against his friend Biggs in a skyhopper race through Beggars Canyon.  Unfortunately for Luke and Biggs, Tuskin Raiders (yes, those dreaded sandpeople) turn up to spoil their day!

Spiderman's Secret Weapon

Comic books back then were less sophisticated than those produced today, but they also cost less, as Marvel offset the sales price with ad revenue.  Part of the fun for me of reading these old magazines is the old advertisements.  Some offer toys, candy, job retraining, or how to get “An Atlas Body in 7 Days."  I particularly enjoy the Hostess ads, which feature the Marvel Superheroes in a short, one-page comic of their own.  Conan #68 features a battle between Spiderman and The Fly, which can only be resolved with Hostess Twinkies.  In Conan #96, a boy helps the incredible Hulk to understand humans better with Hostess Cupcakes.  And in Star Wars #17, the mighty Norse god Thor only prevails against his foes with the assistance of Hostess Fruit Pies.  There’s only one problem with reading those great stories:  Hostess stopped making their famous Twinkies, Cupcakes, Fruit Pies, and (my personal favorite) Zingers last year. 

"Hulk need Hostess Cupcakes!"

This morning, I was powering through my workout at the gym when a TV news show announced that Hostess has been purchased, and all my favorite goodies may soon be back in the stores.  In the “Stan’s Soapbox” portion of Star Wars #17 (November 1978), Stan Lee praised the primetime Spiderman and Hulk TV shows that were attracting more people to the great characters and heroes in the Marvel universe.  Since the comic book industry has stopped relying on so many advertisements, including the Superhero/Hostess ads, Hostess’ problems multiplied, which finally saw them shut down operations last year.  But lately we’ve seen a resurgence of Marvel superheroes in mainstream media, including last year’s “The Avengers,” which now ranks as the biggest movie of all time.  Some people may ask why Hostess needs to be bought out, as there are companies out there marketing generic versions of Twinkies, Cupcakes, and Fruit Pies.  But if Marvel’s Superhero advertisements teach us anything, it’s that there’s something special about Hostess, which is why our protectors need their favorite desserts to foil their most challenging opponents.  So Hostess has to make a comeback, in order to keep the world safe from the forces of evil!

The food of the gods
(Pies produced exclusively at the Hostess factory on Asgard)

Now aren’t you glad you read my blog?  Where else would you learn such earthshattering news that’s both fun and informative?  Please, please, there’s no applause necessary.  Really.  Just send me a box of Zingers, and we’ll call it even.

Dragon Dave