The Daleks Make a TARDIS

Denim: You mean we can make our own TARDIS from paper?
Pocket: We don't have much choice, do we? Our cash reserves are at dangerously low levels after buying Christmas presents for everyone on Black Friday.
Denim: I guess not. But can a TARDIS built from such inexpensive construction materials safely navigate the time/space vortex?
Pocket: I don't see why not, provided we combine quality craftsmanship with generous quantities of fiendish cunning.

Denim: How come it's not bigger on the inside than the outside?
Pocket: Because I haven't built the dimensional stabilizers yet. Now stop fooling around and help me make the rest of the parts.

Denim: I can't wait to finish it. That nasty knitted K-9 refuses to let us use the TARDIS Master won in Brighton last year.
Pocket: Yes, I've put Traveling at the top of my fiendish New Year's Resolutions. Building our own TARDIS will be our ticket to independence!

Denim: Do we need this? Shouldn't we change it to read Daleks Only or something?
Pocket: No, part of my fiendish plan is that it will look like the Doctor's TARDIS. People will flock to see him when we materialize in exotic locales. Then we can exit and Exterminate them!
Denim: Ooh, that's fiendish. I get a ripple all along the inside of my dalekanium-yarn housing, just thinking about that.

Denim: Where shall we go first? My vote's for Tahiti. I hear it's a magical place.
Pocket: No way. With what's happening to Agent Coulson on "Marvel's Agents of SHIELD," any mention of that island sends a cold ripple all along the inside of my dalekanium-yarn housing!

K-9: Back away from that TARDIS. Daleks are not allowed to navigate the time/space vortex independently!
Denim: But we built it!
Pocket: Oh no! Master and Mistress must have anticipated my fiendish plans, and constructed a paper K-9 to keep us here!
K-9: I repeat: Back away now, or I will shoot you with the laser cannon in my nose!
Pocket: Curses! Foiled again!!

K-9 & the fiendish Pocket & Denim Daleks

The Eleventh Doctor Dalek

DD11: Ah, K-9, there you are. Be a good little fellow and unlock the TARDIS for me. I thought we might pop off to Haworth for a fun English getaway together.
K-9: You are not the Doctor Master. I cannot let you inside.
DD11: Of course I'm the Doctor. I'm the Eleventh Doctor Dalek, designation DD11. Don't you recognize my distinctive fez and bow tie?
K-9: Clothes may make the man, but they can't transform a Dalek into a Time Lord. I cannot allow you inside. 
DD11: K-9, really! Haven't Master's posts on Wuthering Heights transformed you into a Bronte fan?
K-9: Negative. I remain untransformed, and loyal to Doctor Who, Doctor Who, Doctor Who!

DD11: You know, with this hat and bow tie, I really thought I was guaranteed a good timey-wimey.

K-9 & DD11 Dalek

K-9 Doesn't Fetch

Rex: Here's an idea.  You go over there, and I'll throw this stick to you. Then--
K-9: This unit does not play fetch.
Rex: But--
K-9: This unit does not play fetch!
Rex: You're a dog. You're supposed to sample any food in front of you when Master & Mistress aren't looking. You're supposed to gnaw. Face it: you have to play fetch. It's part of your programming.
K-9: You keep telling me Daleks aren't evil, and then you say something like that?

K-9 & Rex Dalek

Rex Dalek & K-9 Go German

Rex: Wienerschnitzel?  That's a strange word.
K-9: My translation circuitry identifies the word as belonging to the German language.  It translates as "Viennese Shred."
Rex: My!  What kind of place have Master & Mistress brought us to? 

K-9: This object matches images in my data banks.  The humans call it a corn dog.
Rex: It doesn't look like a dog.  
K-9: Agreed.  Given its appearance, a more accurate term would be zeppelin-on-a-stick.

Rex: This looks like chili cheese fries, but the fries are all wrinkled.
K-9: The menu board behind the counter denotes them as curly fries.

Rex: I guess curly fries really make the world go round, 'eh?
K-9: Negative.  Gravity still makes the world revolve on its axis.

Rex: That curly chili fry was good.  Do we dare take a sample of this Shredded Viennese animal?
K-9: Negative.  Master & Mistress entrusted us with guarding it while they got drink refills.

Rex: It would appear that Master & Mistress are rewarding us for our service.
K-9: Affirmative.
Rex: If it makes you feel less uncomfortable, think of it as part of a zeppelin.
K-9: Yet again, this K-9 unit fails to understand so-called Dalek humor. 

Rex: Shall I let you gnaw the stick?  
K-9: This unit does not gnaw.
Rex: If it makes you feel any better, think of it as a bone.
K-9: This unit does not gnaw!

Rex: Well, that was an experience.
K-9: This unit is left uncertain as to the humans' idea of fun.
Rex: But look: Master & Mistress are smiling!
K-9: Humans are illogical.  That's why they need us to serve them.
Rex: Ja.  I mean, agreed.

Rex Dalek & K-9

Related Dragon Cache entries
Winding Down the Year with Wienerschnitzel

A K-9 & Dalek Thanksgiving

K-9: Hooray, Thanksgiving is here!

Rex: Master is being really restrained in loading up his plate.
K-9: Yes, but this is just the first portion.

The Morning After... 

Artist: I'm glad to see that Master is trying to eat healthier after yesterday's indulgence.  I need him back in serious training so he can resume his sketching as soon as possible.
K-9: Relax.  He's obviously still got his artistic flair.

Artist: Ah, excuse me Master, but you already had a good breakfast. You don't need the cake too.
K-9: Shhh.  I'm enjoying the crumbs.

K-9, Rex, & Artist Dalek

Dalek Knitting Rules November 2013

As humans (and Daleks), we're always interested in what's popular.  The numbers below reflect which titles have shown up in other people's blogs, Twitter feeds, Facebook Home pages, and other places that drew new readers to  The Dragon's Cache last month.

 Top Ten Posts For November 2013

Post Name                                              Date Posted         Views
1. Pocket Dalek Knitting Pattern                 Feb. 18, 2013         34
2. The Cows of Seven Sisters                    Nov. 18, 2013         22
3. The TARDIS of Brighton Pier                  Nov. 15, 2013         22
4. Ray Bradbury Loves Dinosaurs               Oct. 8, 2013           19
5. Looking for Alec & Zoe Calendar: Pt. 1    Nov. 28, 2012         19
6. A Day in Brighton                                   Nov. 7, 2013          15
7. Eating Out in Brighton                            Nov. 21, 2013         15
8. Recovering From My Seven Sisters        Nov. 14, 2013         14
9. Visiting My Seven Sisters: Pt. 2             Nov. 12, 2013         13
10. Rex Dalek & K-9 Visit Krispy Kreme      Nov. 8, 2013          13

Two of October's Top Ten Posts remained on the list for November. While "Looking for Alec & Zoe Calendar: Part 1" fell from first to fifth, "Ray Bradbury Loves Dinosaurs" clung to its Fourth Place for a second month in a row.  The Daleks may have been shut out in October, but they surged back onto the list last month, with "Pocket Dalek Knitting Pattern" and "Rex Dalek & K-9 Visit Krispy Kreme."  Perhaps their resurgence was fueled by the Fiftieth Anniversary celebration of Doctor Who, given that my acquisition of the Doctor's time machine attracted readers to "The TARDIS of Brighton Pier."  And while travel blogs are usually popular, I couldn't help but notice that four of them--"A Day Out in Brighton," "Eating Out in Brighton," "Recovering From My Seven Sisters," and "Rex Dalek & K-9 Visit Krispy Kreme"--involved food. Mmm…Subway Tandoori Chicken Sandwiches, Cornish Pasties, Quavers, Fish & Chips, and Krispy Kreme Donuts.  Five essential English Food Groups!

K-9 & Rex visit Subway in Brighton

Two entries, "Pocket Dalek Knitting Pattern" and "Looking for Alec & Zoe Calendar: Part 1" climbed higher on my My Ten Most Popular Posts, which suggests that not only do readers love Daleks so much that they want them in their own homes, but also that they enjoy stories about the kindness of strangers.  While it's always nice to accomplish Great Deeds and Herculean Tasks, sometimes it's the smallest of our actions--those that may never be noted or commented upon or hailed by others--that can make a huge impact on a person's life.  I may not know that cabbie's name, but I'll never forget him, and I'll always be grateful to him.  Without his help, we might never have reached Pinner, where one of my favorite British comedies, "May To December," was filmed.  

Our visit to Pinner, England, two years ago.
After eating our sandwiches in the town square behind us,
we dug out our maps,
tried to figure out where we'd gone wrong,
and how to get where we needed to go.
If only we'd had a Dalek back then to guide us!

Finally, last month The Dragon's Cache enjoyed 1,589 page views. That's one hundred more than the previous all-time high, and nearly three hundred more than the average for the past three months.  So people are reading the blog, and hopefully, in some way, it beneficially impacts their lives.

You know, just like the mere mention of dinosaurs made Ray Bradbury smile.

Dragon Dave     

K9: Keep Away From The Water!

K-9: I don't understand: why can't I go near the water?
Rex: Don't you remember what happened the last time you came to Brighton?

"While the Doctor had a snooze on the beach, you and Romana took a walk off toward the West Pier.

"When Romana threw the ball, you couldn't help yourself.  You raced across the beach, and leapt into the water.  Unfortunately, as you're a robot dog, you blew your top.

"Thus, while the Doctor and Romana visited the Leisure Hive on Argolis, you waited in the TARDIS, until they could repair you."

K-9: But just because someone throws a ball doesn't mean I have to chase it.  As a robot dog, I'm ruled by logic, not by impulses.  I could resist, and remain on the shore.
Rex: Are you sure?  Do you really want to risk missing out on a single adventure during Master & Mistress' time in England?
K-9: Uh...

K-9: You know, I really hate it when a Dalek is right.

K-9 & Rex Dalek

To catch the Doctor and Romana's visit to Brighton, and their adventure on Argolis, watch "The Leisure Hive," available at all fine Doctor Who DVD retailers everywhere.  (Except, possibly, in E-space).

The TARDIS of Brighton Pier

"Okay, let's try this again.

Like moths to a flame, Master & Mistress were drawn to the glowing lights of Brighton Pier.  They took us with them, so we could also see what was happening inside.

Their senses were inundated by sounds, colors, and activity. They wanted to leave, but we counseled that they might only come here once, and they should try their hand at a few games.

In fact, we had one we especially wanted Master to play.

He put his 30 pence in the coin slot, and had a go of it.  He pressed one button, and the claw moved backward.  Another button made the claw swing to the side.  Then he pressed the final button, and the claw descended.

It missed one of our cousins, but grasped hold of the TARDIS, lifted it up, and dropped it down a chute.

In this way, Master secured a time machine for all of us.  He and Mistress assured us that we would all have many happy adventures together.  Now, will you let us inside?

K-9: How Master procured his time machine is irrelevant.  I will not allow you inside.
Artist: But we were there when he acquired it.
K-9: Your proximity to Master & Mistress while procuring their TARDIS is irrelevant.
Rex: K-9, where did the pterodactyl come from?
K-9: Master and I brought it back from prehistoric times.
Rex: You mean you've already accompanied Master on an adventure, yet you won't even allow us to look inside?
Artist: K-9, be reasonable.  We're Master's friends.  The Mistress made us.  She wouldn't mind--
K-9: Who made you is irrelevant!  Daleks are the enemies of the Doctor, and I will not allow you to discover the secrets of the TARDIS!
Pterodactyl: Aarrck aarrck aarrck!

K-9: Good bird.  Way to scare away those conniving Daleks.

Artist & Rex Dalek, K-9, & Pterodactyl

My Robot Advisors

My phone has been ringing off the hook these past few weeks.  When I answered, I heard a prerecorded endorsement for a political candidate.  These politicians and citizens, who have never met me, felt sure that I shared their concerns about a particular issue.  Some of them referred to me by name, as if I was a long-time friend.  While such messages are known as robocalls, I know they're not really made by robots.  Instead, they came from a machine called an autodialer, which uses complex algorithms to impersonate people and personalize messages. 

Yet the name is evocative, and I could not help but wonder: how might my favorite robots vote, if we allowed them to?  Or better yet, how might they advise me in navigating the confusing promises and propositions?

Even if I could understand R2-D2’s noises, I’m not sure how interested he’d be in elections.  He seems more task-oriented.  Give him a problem, and R2-D2 will find a way to tackle it.  This makes him great in a crisis, but when it comes to complex decision-making as to what’s best for society, I have a feeling he’d be less help.  Unfortunately, his friend C-3PO wouldn’t be a great help either.  He’d be too worried about the worst-case scenario of any proposal.  I think he’d also be too busy calculating the odds against any particular candidate keeping his or her promises to assess their relative merit.  While I could use C-3PO as a sounding board to confirm my own anxieties, I’m not sure he could help me vote for a person or issue. 

On the other hand, WALL-E is a true innocent.  As such, he would grasp the hope associated with every issue and politician, and argue that I should vote for those who promise the most positive change.  Seeing the best in everyone and everything, I’m sure he would urge me to endorse a host of radical agendas each election cycle.  While I love him, I know that I cannot ignore my suspicions regarding the potential dangers surrounding each candidate or issue.  Further muddying the waters is the knowledge that too much change isn’t a good thing.  Instead of delivering a promised utopia, too many grand ideas, schemes and revolutionary changes to how we organize and run our society might actually bog down our political, social, and financial systems, making it impossible to get anything (whether it be good, better, or worse) accomplished.

So, in this scenario, I suppose I would have to turn to K-9.  Assuming that Doctor Who or Sarah Jane doesn’t need him, I think he could be of great help.  His personality seems ideally suited to analyze the propositions and the candidates.  With his ability to assess strengths and weaknesses of proposals, and the records, personalities, and associations of candidates, K-9 could advise me how best to vote, given my concerns about what I’d like to see occurring in my society.  Yes, give me K-9 on voting day: I cannot imagine a better advisor.

The sad thing is that, regardless of how I vote, who comes into power, and what proposals become law, the result always seems to a constant slew of half-measures.  At best, these changes allow our society to continue functioning.  But usually, they leave us no better off, and often they affect us so adversely that I find myself closing my eyes, clutching my head, and wishing I hadn’t voted in the way I did.  It is then that one robot's voice rises above the rest.  “Danger, Will Robinson!” cries the General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot B9 (usually referred to The Robot in “Lost in Space”).  “Danger!  Danger!”

Regardless of whom I chose or how I vote, every day the evolving political process prompts B9 to repeat his warnings.  Sometimes I wish Dr. Zachary Smith would reprogram B9 to only alert me to the most pressing dangers.  But then, I don’t need K-9 to warn me against trusting Dr. Smith.

Dragon Dave